Clearest Blue
by to-whatever-end
Summary: Set after the events of Queen of Shadows. Rowan goes missing.
1. Chapter 1

He'd been gone for six months now. Aedion gripped her upper arm tightly, dragging Aelin away from the window where she'd held vigil religiously, waiting for him to return.

"Aelin," his voice was gentle, barely more than a whisper. He continued to tug on her arm but she continued to resist. Maybe today would be the day when he would come back to her, when she would finally feel like half of her body, half her soul wasn't lost.

Aelin, begrudgingly, had sent Rowan on a mission to the southern part of their kingdom to dispose of some creatures that had wandered across the border. During a meeting with her generals and those of power in her military, he'd been the first to volunteer to go, insisting that if he went, the creatures would be sure to never return.

"It will take me two days at most," he'd whispered in her ear when they were alone later that night. "I'll put the fear of Wyrd into them - enough so that they'll never want to set foot on Terrasen ever again."

She nudged his neck with her nose. "I hate it when you're gone. Even for one night. The bed feels empty and I get cold."

"You're always cold," he'd murmured before wrapping his arms around her tightly.

If she had known that that was to be their last night together, she would have done more than letting him hold her throughout the night. She would have kissed him for hours, she would have made love to him, she would have stroked every inch of his tattoo, she would have memorized every detail. Instead, she was left with a gaping hole in her chest and a never ending sense of regret. _Why had she let him go alone?_

"Aelin," Aedion repeated, a little less gently this time. He had tried everything to pull her out of her misery. She had a kingdom to run, friends who cared about her. But she found it hard to fight for her people when she could barely fight for herself.

"Not today, Aedion," she sighed. "Today isn't a good day."

"It's never a good day." He released her arm but continued to stand directly next to her, folding his arms across his chest. "It's been six months…it might be time to accept -"

She whirled on him. "I will _not_ accept that he is gone. I will _never_ give up that he will come home to me."

In the days after Rowan's disappearance, Aedion had taken fifty soldiers with him to try and find Rowan, to no avail. At first, Aelin had begged him not to go - she couldn't bare to lose both of them to whatever dark force had harmed or captured Rowan. Once he made it clear to her that he had to at least try to find his brother-in-arms and would take extra security with him, she'd agreed. For as long as he lived, he would never forget the look on his queen's face when he had returned to the castle - without Rowan.

Aedion wasn't without caring now. He understood what Rowan meant to Aelin and this kingdom. He'd be lying to himself if he didn't admit he missed the Fae warrior most days. But it was time. It was time to move on.

"I'm not asking you to forget him," Aedion began. "But you are a _Queen_ and your kingdom, for better or for worse, comes first. You - we - all of us, we need to begin to put this behind us. Decades could pass before he returns, Aelin."

A low growl escaped her.

"I don't mean to be insensitive, but the time for being gentle with you has passed. Dorian has been begging for you to visit, why not visit him and the witch to clear your head and get out of Terrasen for a bit? We can say it's a political meeting. Your people are becoming restless. They need to see that you are still capable of ruling them. Besides," he paused briefly, "you don't even know if Rowan is still alive. "

"He's alive," she replied without hesitation.

"You can't possibly know that."

" _I_ can," she purred. "When I sent him to the southern border, I felt it. The moment someone or something attacked him. I felt it in my soul. He was hurt. He was injured or captured or _something_. But he's not dead. You couldn't even begin to understand," she said, somewhat cruelly. "I would know if he was dead for I would feel it in the depth of my soul. Or did you forget he's my _carranam_?"

"You haven't let me forget it," he mumbled, knowing full well that she could hear him. "But Aelin, put yourself in my shoes for _one_ moment. I have been trying to run this kingdom without you for six months. I have been trying to hold it together. I haven't had time to grieve, to even pretend to miss my friend. Have you ever thought about that? Have you stopped to think about what the rest of us have been going through trying to protect you these past six months? We've made decisions for you, for your people. But we, and I especially, can't do it anymore. _You_ are the queen. And it is _your_ kingdom. It is time to come back to us. To rule us."

Aelin knew Aedion was right. Of course he was right. It was time to stop grieving, it was time to put her people first, and it was time to move on. Something clicked into place and it was like the sun rising after months and months of darkness. She couldn't go on like this. She would forever wonder what happened to Rowan and she knew, eventually, she would exhaust all of her resources trying to bring him home. But the time for wondering, the time for mourning was over. For now.

"Okay," she said, looking up to meet Aedion's stare. "Okay. You're right. I will go visit Dorian. I will put this behind me, as best I can."

He nodded at her.

"But don't think for one second that I am giving up. I will never stop waiting for him. And when I've dealt with my kingdom and put everything in order, when I've shown my people that I can effectively rule, I will do everything in my power to find him and bring him home to me."

Aedion wasn't sure if he should be proud or terrified for he believed every word she said. "I'll make the arrangements for the trip to Adarlan. And I'll let Dorian know that we are coming. You may want to…"

"Shower?" She smiled weakly.

Aedion turned to leave but she reached an arm out and stopped him. "I know I haven't been myself for the past however many months and it may have seemed like I wasn't paying attention - but I was. So thank you. Thank you for being strong enough to take care of me and our kingdom. And thank you for pulling me out of this…" she gestured wildly, "for lack of a better word, misery?"

"Anytime, cuz." He planted a soft kiss on her cheek and headed for the door. He turned around one last time before leaving, "Oh, and you may want to call on Lysandra before you begin packing…She's furious with you."

"Just what I need. An angry ghost leopard in my room while I'm trying to get ready for a long journey."

"Inviting her to come with you may not be the worst idea."

"Are you just saying that because _you_ want her to come?" Aedion winked.

"We leave tomorrow, my Queen." And before Aelin could come up with a snarky remark, he was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Lysandra had remained mad at Aelin for a total of 2 minutes before enveloping her best friend. She pulled away from Aelin, hands resting on both sides of her face, gently stroking her hair.

"I've missed you," Lysandra said, not breaking eye contact. "Still not sure I've fully forgiven you though for leaving me alone to deal with Aedion and the rest of the morons trying to run your kingdom."

"Morons?" Aelin chuckled.

"Men," Lysandra corrected. "You left me to deal with all of the men _by myself_."

"I'm sure you more than handled them."

Lysandra winked. "Well of course, but it wasn't always easy."

"You sure you aren't feeling well enough to make the journey with us to Adarlan?"

"As much as I want to spend time with you, I'm afraid of vomiting all over the carriage. If I'm feeling better in a few days, I promise to fly there."

Aelin looked at her best friend with a heavy sense of guilt. "I am sorry. Truly," Aelin said. "I think I just got so lost in my grief, in the pain of missing Rowan, that I forgot I had other things to live for. And other people."

"I understand darkness," Lysandra replied, hugging her best friend again. "I just wanted you to let me in. I wanted to be blinded with you."

"Next time," Aelin said, smiling.

* * *

Dorian found Aelin standing in front of one of the long glass windows overlooking the kingdom below. While she had attended every meeting and dinner that he invited her to over the course of the last week, he could tell something was still amiss with her. Aedion had filled him in on Rowan's disappearance as best he could, and while Dorian understood what she was going through, he wished there was some way to snap her out of it completely. According to Aedion, she had been catatonic over the last several months and it was a huge step that she had even agreed to visit.

"Hey there," Dorian said as he entered the room. Aelin didn't turn around to face him, just merely nodded her head in acknowledgment that she knew he was there. He walked across the room to stand next to her, surveying the kingdom below.

"What possessed you to rebuild the glass castle?" Aelin asked after a few minutes of silence, turning to face him. "I never bothered to ask before."

"It was the best way for me to move on, but not forget," he said, giving his friend a small smile.

She sighed. "I wish it was that easy." Dorian noticed Aelin glance to her right, to the spot where Rowan should have been standing.

"He'll find his way home," Dorian said gently. It was the first time he'd brought up Rowan the entire week. He was scared of how she'd react, and he didn't think he'd be able to handle it if she broke down. It always hurt him to see her in pain.

"Maybe," she paused briefly. "I'm sure Aedion filled you in, but I wasn't exactly myself the last few months. I haven't been able to make any decisions. I've barely been able to get out of bed. And now I'm here, and I'm standing next to you and spending time in your beautiful kingdom and watching you with Manon - which by the way, we still need to talk about - and I can't help but feel jealous. You have it all sorted out. And I just feel…"

"Lost?"

"Lost. Sad. Lonely."

"Can I fill you in on a secret?" Dorian asked. When she didn't respond, he continued, "I don't have it all sorted out. Not even a little bit. After everything that happened on this continent, there were days when I didn't think I'd ever be happy again. I had done things I wasn't proud of. I made hard decisions. But people died because of me and their blood is on my hands. And sure, eventually Manon came into my life, but I realized I needed to learn to be happy _for me_. Not for anyone else."

"I'd forgotten what color the sky was. The vibrant blue, the way clouds sometime formed certain shapes. How right before it rains, you can taste it. I've been trapped in this colorless haze. Miserable. Drowning. And sure, I've resurfaced, but that doesn't mean I'm fully out of the water yet."

"You'll get there," Dorian replied. "You know, I stumbled across the best chocolates a few weeks ago, and saved some. Just for you."

For the first time in six months and seven days, her face lit up. "Well, it's a start."

* * *

Aedion had returned to Terrasen after receiving an urgent message. Normally he would never have left the Queen by herself, even for one day, but the message was worded weirdly and he knew he had to return to Terrasen immediately. A few guards bowed to him as he walked through the gates to the castle, and a few courtiers waited by the door.

"What happened?" Aedion asked his second lieutenant, the moment he'd stepped through the archway in the entrance hall. Lysandra, who had been unable to make the trip to Adarlan, raced down the hallway towards him. Before his lieutenant had even uttered a single word, Lysandra had thrown her arms around Aedion.

"It's so terrible," she murmured into him. He pulled her tighter, still confused as to what was happening.

When she finally pulled back and saw the expression on his face, she took another step back. "Oh no," she began. "You don't know yet."

"Lysanda, I literally _just_ walked through the door. What's going on?"

"He came back," she said. But the light didn't touch her eyes. "But he's not…the same. It's him, but it's not him."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's Rowan. He stumbled into the courtyard yesterday. He was so out of it, I thought it was just dehydration and hunger. But…it's just so –" and before she could even finish the thought, the tears had overwhelmed her and she sprinted away.

"I still don't understand," Aedion said, turning back to his lieutenant who had remained silent throughout his interaction with Lysandra.

"Prince Rowan, he's returned."

"Shouldn't we be celebrating?" Aedion asked with dread, knowing there was clearly something seriously wrong.

"It's just…he doesn't remember anything. He doesn't know who he is or where he is. He doesn't remember Aelin."

Aedion thought he had experienced heartbreak and devastation in his life already. He was wrong.


	3. Chapter 3

"Explain it to me again," Aelin asked from the floor. She'd returned from Adarlan after receiving a message from Aedion that there was urgent business she needed to attend to. Aedion and Lysandra had tried to explain the situation to her the second she'd set foot in her castle in Terrasen, but Aelin hadn't let them finish before sprinting down to the dungeons where Rowan was being kept comfortably. She'd barred anyone else from entering the room. After being in the room with Rowan for less than five minutes, she'd exited, walked up to her bedroom and collapsed in a corner. She hadn't shed a single tear or moved in 24 hours.

Which is exactly where Aedion found her after returning from another trip to the dungeons. "Aelin, I've told you seven times now. He just wandered up to the gates, not knowing who or where he was, asking for water. People started hugging him and talking to him and he was so out of it…he didn't even know his own name. He can't remember anything."

Aelin nodded. "I've spent months picturing our reunion. I'd jump into his arms and he'd smile and smell my hair and kiss me…" She trailed off. "But he has no idea. He has no idea who I am. Who he is."

"I'm so sorry," Aedion said. "We are doing everything we can to try and get his memory restored."

"He doesn't smell the same," Aelin looked up at him. "There's something…off. I used to be able to scent him half a mile away. I know his scent like I know my own heartbeat. And it's like there's something missing."

"You know we're going to keep trying," Aedion said.

Aelin nodded. But she knew, deep down, in the dark corners of her soul, that the Rowan she knew and loved was gone.

"I think it's time for a drink or six," Lysandra announced upon entering the room. She looked Aedion up and down before heading straight to the corner where Aelin sat curled up in a ball. "No moping. Not this time."

Lysandra pulled Aelin up from the floor and shoved her towards the bathroom to wash up.

Once he heard the water running, Aedion shook his head at Lysandra and leaned in to whisper in her ear so that Aelin couldn't hear. "Is this really the best idea?."

"Trust me, I know what I'm doing. This is the only way she'll properly deal with her emotions."

"Just be careful," he said, before taking a step back.

"Always am," she winked at him.

* * *

Aedion stormed into the room. "Would one of you like to explain what happened between you two, Fleetfoot and the gardener?"

"Depends on who's asking," Aelin giggled before taking a sip from the bottle in front of her.

"Me. I'm asking. Because I just came back from a meeting with my guards and they seemed to think -"

At this moment, Aelin and Lysandra broke into a fit of laughter, reliving the afternoon's events. Aedion couldn't follow a single word.

They continued to giggle uncontrollably. "And then," Lysandra wheezed through tears, "Fleetfoot pulled on the end of the hose and the water sprayed places you definitely do not want to be sprayed." Aelin, whose laughter had gotten the best of her, chose this moment to fall out of her chair.

"Is this all some big joke to you?" He growled.

Aelin composed herself before she lifted her head and looked directly at him. "For every second of the past three days, I've wished Chaol had never shipped me off to Wendlyn."

"What? How can you think that?" Aedion asked, confused by the sudden turn in the conversation.

"I can't help but think about it. Especially with all the…alcohol. What if I never met Rowan? Would I have gotten this far? Would I have been able to take back my kingdom? Part of me doesn't think so. But the other part, the strong part, knows that I would have been able to do it. It knows that I was, that I _am_ , strong enough to have done it on my own. But that's what I needed to understand and why I needed some time to just clear my head and think. He doesn't define me. He never did."

"No man should ever define you," Lysandra added, rather proudly.

"I wasn't suggesting that he did. But I don't think staring at the bottom of a bottle is the way to get a clear head. You spent six months in a nearly comatose state waiting for him to return…and now that he has…it's just, it seems like you don't even care."

"You think I don't care?" Aelin growled, deeper and angrier than Aedion had heard in recent years. She took a step towards him, and he took two steps back.

"It's just…"

"Is this because of the incident with the gardener? Because that was a one time thing," Lysandra interrupted.

He gave her a look that clearly meant she needed to be quiet. "No. It's just that you've only visited him once. And you both have basically been drinking and eating nonstop ever since."

"AND YOU THINK IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T CARE?" Aelin yelled.

"Oh dear, now you've _really_ upset her," Lysandra mumbled, taking another sip from the bottle of wine in front of her.

"Give me that," Aedion said grabbing the bottle and taking a massive swig for himself.

"AEDION," Aelin bellowed, taking several steps towards him again. He moved again so that a table stood between them. Laying her hands on the table, she leaned towards him. "Did you ever stop to think that _maybe_ the reason I haven't gone to see him or that I've been drinking for three straight days is because I care too much?"

"Aelin -" Aedion began. He stopped short when she held her hand up.

"When I went to see him, something inside of me just…broke. I broke. I thought our love was stronger than anything. I thought that if I looked at him hard enough, he'd remember everything we've been through and he would come back to me. When I said I wanted him home, I meant it. But not like this. I never wanted this."

He started to take a step towards her but she shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Leave me alone, Aedion. I'll stop the drinking. Tomorrow. Let me have this one final night to pretend that nothing else exists except for this bottle of wine. And then tomorrow, you and I will get back to work running this kingdom."

"And what about Rowan?" Aedion asked, somewhat hesitantly. "What do you want to do about him?"

"I actually have an idea," Lysandra announced from the corner of the room. "But it's going to take some time. Months probably. And lots and lots practice."

* * *

Aelin walked slowly down the steps to the dungeon where Rowan was being held. She'd tried to have him moved to one of the bedrooms in the upper levels of the castle a few weeks, but Aedion had insisted he be kept locked up until they knew exactly what was wrong with him. His argument was that he could be under the influence of some dark creature, sent here to kill the Queen since he was once close to her. Aedion wasn't going to take that chance and Aelin couldn't completely disagree with him.

She wore a black lace gown with a long train that trailed several steps behind her. She'd tied her hair up in a loose bun, a few strands framing her face. She tucked one behind her ear, letting out a sigh. She felt like she was heading to a funeral. Maybe she was.

She arrived at his room, nodding to the guards standing outside that it was okay. They both stepped back to let her through. Placing both hands on the door, she took a deep breath before entering the room.

Rowan was sitting on the bed in the corner of the room. He looked exactly the same as the day he'd left her. It had been months since he'd returned to the castle. She'd lost count of how many. She'd come to visit him a few times, to try and get a sense of whether the person she loved was still buried inside him. But after every visit, she walked away feeling less and less optimistic. There was no way Lysandra's plan would work, but she owed it to Rowan to at least try. It had taken weeks of research and months of practice and she still didn't feel like she was ready. But it was time to stop procrastinating.

She sat down on the chair across from him. He turned to look at her.

"I heard the guards talking last week," he said. "They said you used to love me. Is that true?"

She nearly choked on the pain. "It's true."

"I wish I could remember."

She nodded, giving him a weak smile. Rowan was hers. He would always be hers. But this soul, this creature, who inhabited Rowan's body, he wasn't.

"Loving you has destroyed me," Aelin whispered to the Rowan who wasn't really Rowan. "And for that, I am so sorry."

And then she blasted him with all the healing power that she had.


	4. Chapter 4

She pressed her forehead into the cool, glass window. She thought that maybe if she pressed hard enough, she'd go right through. It would be better than standing here, useless, waiting for him to wake up. She temporarily left her vigil by the window to grab a fleece blanket off the bed. As she wrapped herself in it, she let out a high-pitched whistle, knowing that Fleetfoot, who was always nearby, would come running. She had an urge to nuzzle her fur, to receive kisses and affection, from the one person in the castle who didn't think she was a complete bitch.

She padded into the room, right up to Aelin, who bent down to shove her face into the dog's fur. Fleetfoot let out a small yelp as Aelin squeezed her a tad too tightly and tried to back away. "Oh no you don't," Aelin murmured as she pulled the dog closer. "I'm not letting you run away from me, too."

Aedion and Lysandra, while supportive of Aelin, did _not_ realize that she was going to become a shell of her former self after trying to heal him. A year had passed since Rowan had first disappeared. One whole year that she felt like a piece of herself was missing.

Three months prior, after weeks of practice, Aelin had poured every ounce of healing power she had into Rowan. She would have killed herself trying to heal him, but Aedion had found her just before she burned out. Rowan had been knocked unconscious from Aelin's blasts, alive, but unable to wake up. Both Aedion and Lysandra had been furious with her.

"You weren't ready yet," Aedion had scolded.

"You needed _months_ of practice, not a few weeks," Lysandra had added.

"I was sick of waiting," was Aelin's excuse, but she knew it wasn't a valid one. Not when she had already spent months waiting at that point - what was a few more?

She slept for a week straight, awaking to find out Rowan had been shipped off to the Southern Continent, to Chaol, to where the best healers in the world would hopefully be able to do what she could not.

She'd made the decision after recovering that she wouldn't mope around anymore. She was a Queen and her people deserved her undivided attention, no matter how miserable she was. She internalized her pain, pushing away everyone who was close to her. Everyone except Fleetfoot. She figured that if she didn't let herself care about anyone else, if they got hurt or injured, if they chose to leave her, if anything remotely bad happened, at least she wouldn't _feel_ it. At least it wouldn't be able to destroy her.

Lysandra stopped coming to the castle and stayed on her own land. The land that Aelin had given her. Aedion began going with his soldiers on scouting missions, only staying at the castle when there was a meeting he was required to attend. Aelin befriended other members of her court, people she had no real attachment to. From the outside, Terrasen appeared to be a well oiled machine. It's people were happy. In their eyes, Aelin was a perfect Queen. She attended every meeting that took place in the castle, she traveled to other kingdoms to make sure peace was upheld, she went of her way to host foreigners and make them feel welcome. Her people adored her. But her friends, her _former_ friends - she had to remind herself, not so much.

Since today was the anniversary of Rowan's disappearance, she was allowing herself to mope. Just a little. Fleetfloot gave her a big, wet lick on the side of cheek and she released her. Thankful that she still had one person who cared about her on this day. She gave the dog a gentle shove to let her know she was dismissed, and Fleetfoot trotted out of the room, tail wagging. **  
**

Aelin returned to the window, to stare at the green trees and the hazy blue sky. With the blanket still wrapped tightly around her, she closed her eyes and pretended Rowan was standing there with his arms wrapped around her. She could almost smell his pine and snow scent.

 _It really smells like him_ , she thought. She kept her eyes closed for another minute, lost in a world of make believe and what ifs. When she opened her eyes, his scent lingered, as if he was standing in the room with her.

She sighed, knowing she should probably get back to work. Trade treaties didn't write themselves. She turned around, about to head to the bathroom to wash up, when she noticed him standing there against the door. Rowan. _Her_ Rowan. She froze, arm in mid air, still reaching for the blanket she had been about to pull off of herself.

He chuckled. A sound that Aelin thought she would never hear again.

"Hi," he breathed. Aelin remained frozen, unable to think of a single word. "I tried to come back last week, but Chaol, curse him, made me stay an extra few days to make sure I was one hundred percent."

Still frozen. He took a step towards her. She held out her hand, palm up, taking a step back. She was hallucinating, dreaming. He couldn't actually be here in the flesh. Someone would have told her he had woken up.

She closed her eyes, knowing when she opened them he would be gone. She opened one eye slowly, and he let out a laugh.

"You look ridiculous."

"You BASTARD," she yelled as she rushed towards him. He thought she was going to jump into his arms, instead she ran straight into him, full speed, shoving him back. When she didn't stop shoving him, he pinned her arms to her sides.

"If I'm being honest, this is not the welcome home party that I was expecting," he growled.

Aelin, panting, took a step back and looked him up and down.

"Use your words, Aelin," he said playfully, a smile at the corner of his lips.

"How - how - do you, how are you here?"

He took a step back to lean against the door frame. "I woke up two weeks ago in the Southern Continent, with your captain standing over me, giving orders to several healers."

"He's not _my_ captain," she mumbled under her breath.

He continued as if he hadn't heard her. "I started squirming a bit, as one who is being poked and prodded tends to do, and yelled at Chaol to have everyone back off before I started throwing punches. He seemed shocked that I knew his name."

Aelin collapsed into a nearby chair, head in her hands. "Go on," she murmured.

"I can't remember anything that happened. I remember heading south of Terrasen, to the border, to deal with the dark creatures that were there. I remember coming across a shadow, feeling as if my soul, my essence, was replaced. Like I was being smothered. That's the last thing I remember before waking up with the captain standing over me."

He stayed silent, watching Aelin. She finally lifted her head up to meet his eyes. From his tone alone, she knew he was hiding something. Something big.

"You were missing, Rowan. For six months, you were gone. And then you showed up here one day, completely out of it, and you couldn't remember anything. You didn't know your own name. You didn't remember _me_."

He walked over to her and gently cupped her face. "If it had been _me_ in there, I would have. It may have been my body, but it was not my soul."

She reached for his sleeve, bunching the fabric in her hand, afraid that if she let go, she'd wake up from what had to be a dream.

"I'm really here," he said, caressing her face.

"How? How did they do it? How did they, for lack of a better word, _restore_ you?"

"They didn't do anything. It was you."

"You don't know that."

"I do. They do. All they did was wake me up from the coma your healing power had put me in. They didn't try anything to restore my memories. That was all you."

She looked into his eyes. "I don't understand. It took them three months to just wake you up?"

"So I've been told," he smirked. She didn't realize she was still holding his sleeve. She quickly let go and took a huge step back, surveying him, looking for cuts or bruises. For any visible sign of injury. He was here. Really here. Her Rowan. Alive. Himself.

"You remember everything?" She purred, changing the tone of the conversation. The distance between them suddenly seemed ridiculous. _Why wasn't she touching him?_ There would be time to catch up later and heal the wounds his disappearance caused. Time to apologize to her friends, to her court, to everyone who mattered even a little bit to her. Time to talk about everything that happened in the past 12 months. They would have all the time in the world. But right now, she needed to be with him and only him.

"I do, Aelin. I remember everything. _To whatever end_ , right?" She didn't hesitate before jumping into his arms, lips first.

A/N: One more chapter headed your way - what _really_ happened to Rowan!


End file.
